Theme	Packing my bag and go visit my dad... my mom
	Category	Relationships with the environment (house)

Real Life Situation

Why would a child refuse to pack his bags to go from mommy’s house to daddy’s?

When a child refuses to pack his bags, it often relates to an issue that goes deeper than the transition itself. Children whose parents share parenting do keep contact with both parents but it also requires from the child to leave one place to go to another.

To make this transition, the child has to leave her immediate security and build another one in another place. For some children, this means they will not see some of their friends or relatives for a while, their lifestyle or even the rules of behavior will change. Such an adaptation is not easy for a child who, at this age, needs consistency to feel secure. If the child feels the transition puts a strain on her parents (e.g., guilt, fear of feeling alone without the child, lack of confidence in the other parent, etc.), the experience will only be more difficult.

Shared parenting also forces the child to create two environments that will meet her need for security. Like an adult who goes away, a child needs to take certain items she cares for with her, items that will make her feel secure. Even if at 4-years-old, parents often choose to buy two sets of toys, some personal items like the child’s blanket or plush puppy, are unique and can’t be replaced. The child must also bring certain items that are too expensive for the parents to buy them twice (e.g., violin, skates).

With such a lifestyle, certain objects are inevitably forgotten or lost. Sooner or later, the child will forget something she cares for, and will insist on getting it back. Her parent’s attempts to tell her otherwise simply won’t work. The child will cry, get angry and sulk until the parent finally accepts to go back to the other parent’s house and take the item back.

When a child has problems handling the transition, packing her bags may be an activity she is reluctant to do or that hides feelings like sadness (e.g., stick to one her parents, cry), anger (e.g., get angry, throw tantrums), or excitement (e.g., run everywhere, get excited). In this context, a child needs to get support from her parents so they can help her better live these transitions as this is likely to last until she becomes a teenager.

Tips for Parents

How can you facilitate the transition between your child’s visits?

• Be positive.
  When your child leaves you to go to visit her other parent, be positive about it. Avoid making it difficult for your child by saying for instance, that you will miss her or by making her feel that your life will be on hold while she’s away. Instead, tell her to have fun. Tell her you’re glad she can see her other parent that your life will continue to be fun even if she’s not there.
  


• Allow the child to keep good relations with her other parent.
  Agree with your ex-partner to let your child see her other parent when she needs it. Without changing your shared parenting schedule, when your child wants to see the other parent, let her get in touch by phone, by going to the park or have a meal with him. Make sure her needs are real, that she does not manipulate her parent (e.g., “I’m calling mommy because daddy is not nice with me; he doesn’t let me play outside after dinner”).
  


• Maintain consistency in your child’s routine as much as possible.
  Agree with your ex-partner to ensure that routines and rituals are similar (e.g., same bedtime hours, same meal routines and rituals). This doesn’t mean that everything you do has to be identical; your child is able to understand that her mommy and her daddy do certain things differently.
  


• Avoid letting your child see you do not accept shared parenting easily.
  Do not let your dissatisfactions or discomfort toward shared parenting show. If it shows, your child could deduce that you do not agree to let her see her other parent. If the relation with your ex-partner is difficult, then have pick ups and drop offs take place in a neutral zone (e.g., take your child to a restaurant to have a glass of juice or take her to the park and invite the other parent to pick her up there).
  


• Be patient with younger children.
  Younger children may need a certain time to reconnect between each visit. You can help her remember the other parent by talking about him, by showing pictures of him or by letting her talk to him over the phone.
  


• Make the transition predictable to your child by creating rituals.
  Prepare the transition in advance. You may cross the dates on a big calendar, make a list of things to put in her bag and refer to it each time your child goes to her other parent’s. You may also create a ritual to facilitate the transition by packing her bags at specific times (e.g., we always pack the bags before dinner) and by always using the same bag to carry the items your child wants to keep with her (e.g., her plush puppy to sleep, significant pictures, her favorite clothes, etc.).