Theme	Respecting differences
	Category	Relationships with others (feelings)

Real Life Situation

Why do young people nowadays exclude others in their games ?

When a child is excluded from a game, most of the time it is because the players want to respect a rule they chose for their role play. For instance, to be the princess that goes to the ball, the children may decide that she must have long hair like those in the fairytales. Consequently, any little girl that doesn’t have long hair would not be considered to play the role of the princess. In such a context, the feelings they have for the short-haired girl don’t matter; the reason why she can’t play the princess has nothing to do with how the other girls feel about her; it has to do with their need to respect a rule that is important to ensure the success of the role playing game.

Though these exclusion rules are normal, they can sadden the child who is rejected. The lack of empathy and the egocentric tendency of these young children prevent them from taking feelings of their peers into consideration. Therefore, they do not have the ability to see that the rejected child is sad. It is also possible that the rejected child doesn’t have the required abilities to fit in. In other cases, however, an empathic child with a positive leadership may be able to convince her peers to change the rules which would then allow the integration of the “non-standard” child (e.g., “We could have another type of princess that comes from another country”). Or the rejected child could find a way to convince the players to accept her (e.g., she could propose a new role that would complete the game: “I will be the dressmaker that would make the princess dresses”).

Though the children can change the rules of their games as much as they want, the older they get, the stricter the rules are. This is how gender-based games arise (e.g., must be a boy to play this warriors game). But that doesn’t mean children are sexists. If children apply these rules of exclusion, it is mainly due to a desire to identify with children of their own gender. The rejected child knows very well that this is not because she is not liked but simply because she doesn’t have the gender that is required to participate in the game. This type of rejection is an experience that contributes to establish the child’s sexual identification. This rejection confirms the child’s gender, a girl or a boy. Few children will perceive this type of rejection negatively.

Under other circumstances however, the exclusion is a real rejection. The reason for the child’s rejection is a pretext to avoid giving the real reason for her exclusion. In this case, the reason might be that the rejected child is different or behaves inadequately toward others. Children tend to be destabilized, worried or even scared of a different child. Be it a speech problem, a physical imperfection, a different behavior (e.g., the child cries easily) or a different culture, these differences make the children, who face them for the first time, uncomfortable. Normally, this type of exclusion doesn’t last. As the children get familiar with the different child and realize that the contact is pleasant, they soon change their attitudes and show openness. However, if the different child misbehaves (e.g., he is aggressive, monopolizes all the toys, imposes herself), the exclusion will last and will even go beyond the game (e.g., nobody wants to eat next to her). In this case, the integration will not be possible without a change in the rejected child’s behavior.

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child be cope with exclusion?

• Help your child understand the reasons for her exclusion.
  If you child has been excluded because she behaved in an inappropriate way, it is important for you to acknowledge her misbehavior and let her know what it is. You may also explain to her how the other children may have felt when she behaved like that. However, if your child is excluded from a boys’ game because she is a girl, make her understand that this is not because the boys don’t like her but simply because they wanted to play among themselves as boys only. Help her understand by reminding her of all the times she only wanted to play with girls. This will also help her understand that she cannot always be part of all the games (certain games require a definite number players, etc.).
  


• Help your child avoid being rejected.
  Early in her life, don’t let your child behave inappropriately (e.g., bullying, imposing herself, taking toys away from others). Step in immediately to stop this type of behavior. Tell her that if she behaves like this, her peers will not accept that and may refuse to play with her. Teach her how to get appreciated by others by teaching her how to behave (e.g., tell clearly the things she doesn’t like, ask for permission before borrowing a toy, etc.)
  


• Encourage your child to be empathic toward an excluded child.
  Your child needs help to realize that a friend may feel sad if she’s being excluded from a game because of a personal characteristic. Help her realize this and tell her she can ease the pain she caused or behave in such a way that it will help the excluded child to be accepted by others.
  


• Help your child find solutions to integration problems.
  Help your child understand that the joys of playing must be shared and if the rules of the game exclude a friend, then perhaps it would be a good idea to make new rules that would include her. For instance, tell her how a friend who has lost her teeth can still act as a shark!
  


• Help your child find solutions to integration problems.
  Sometimes, you are stunned by what your child said? Even if her words may be chocking, take the time to answer your child’s question correctly and correct her perceptions if there are wrong. For instance, if your child asks you: “Why does the skin of this little girl black? Is it because she’s dirty?”, don’t simply say: “Don’t say that!”. Give her a sensible answer (e.g., “There are as many skin colors as there are eye or hair colors”), and tell her how her comment is hurtful to people.
  


• Recognize that you are a model for your child.
  Your child learns a lot by what you think, do or say. If you do not respect differences, avoid saying it loud or making judgements about others. As a parent, you are a model to your child and consequently, she is likely to adopt your behaviors. When you make jokes (e.g., about women, ethnic groups, etc.), remember that your child might hear them and repeat them as if they were truths.