Theme	Things are no longer the same with my friend
	Category	Relationships with others (friends)

Real Life Situation

Why is it hard for a child to lose her « best » friend, to see him less frequently or to share him with others?

At 4 or 5 years old of age, friends are important. Through friendship, a child will feel loved, discover what others like from her, will engage in all kinds of social experiences, realize she is part of an environment bigger than her family: society. For a 4- or 5-year-old, friends matter and a best friend matters even more as this is one of the child’s significant relationships. To her friend, she is a “favorite” friend; to some extent, they both form a “couple”, which is a bond that many children will never experience.

Usually, this kind of friendship will grow between two children that have a lot in common; they like the same games, the same television programs or have the same abilities. A best friend gives the child the opportunity to live a reciprocal relationship that provides joy and security (e.g., they share their toys, they appreciate each other’s game ideas, one won’t engage in an activity without the other). In this context, the relationship is likely to become very stable as it meets all the children’s needs. This exclusive friendship becomes part of the child’s life and its stability provides an important source of security.

However, some events may disturb this friendship. Be it the first day at kindergarten or at school of one of the children, a move, a divorce with shared parenting arrangements, a vacation or the arrival of a new friend, the child will be confronted to a loss. Like an adult facing a similar situation, the child will feel a deep sadness because she loses the actual affection of her friend and she is deprived of the joys they used to share together. Unlike adults, the child may feel responsible for the loss (e.g., “I did something wrong that makes my friend angry”) or believes she is abandoned because her friend doesn’t like her as much. Sadness and guilt are felt by the child who, without proper explanations, may have a hard time to adjust to it.

This sense of loss also confronts the child to a significant change in her play habits and it can cause a sense of insecurity. For young children, it is not easy to adjust to changes. At that age, they inevitably think that because it is different, they will not have as much fun; they prefer consistency as it will enable them to anticipate their immediate future and feel secure.

Beyond insecurities may come worries; for instance, the child may be afraid of definitely losing her friend or that her friend loses interest in playing with her. Struggling with such emotions, the child may then cry, get angry for no real reason, be listless or become aggressive. Therefore, the parent has a vital role to play in helping his child understand what is happening and reassure her about the friendship she has with her friend.

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child adjust to changes in her friendship?

• Make sure your child understands the reasons for the change.
  Your child has lost her best friend because he has moved? Help her understand that if her friend has moved to another city and this is why he does no longer play with her; this is not because he doesn’t want to play with her anymore.
  


• Acknowledge your child’s sadness.
  To be able to adjust to these changes, your child first needs you to acknowledge the sadness she feels due to the loss. You can help your child lower the intensity of the loss by helping her recreate certain games she used to play with her lost friend (e.g., let her build a house with the cushions in your living room, just like she used to do at her friend’s place).
  


• Try to understand what makes your child insecure.
  Even if the changes that your child experiences, seem trivial, acknowledge that for her, adjusting to a new reality can make her feel insecure. Try to identify the elements that annoy her. For instance, your child may be annoyed by the arrival of a new child in the neighbourhood as this means she may be no longer alone with her best friend. You may therefore try to assess if she is afraid of not having as much fun playing with two friends rather than with her best friend only or if her worries arise from the change of habit (e.g., her friend used to pick her up after dinner but now, he doesn’t come anymore since he now plays outside with the new friend). Acknowledge her feelings by telling her you understand that these changes are not easy to handle and try to see how you can both find ways to adjust.
  


• Help your child better adjust to the situation by finding solutions.
  VYour child needs to experience changes to realize she can adjust. During her adaptation period, praise her efforts and be there when she needs you. For instance, encourage her to go and meet her friends and tell her that they will certainly want to play with her. Or help her find activities to replace those that were disturbed by the change (e.g., her best friend is at school, he cannot play as much with her; then, what can she do to fill the time they used to play together?). You could also encourage her to keep in touch with her friend who now lives in another city by either sending drawings, notes or by visiting him once in a while.
  


• Help your child live these changes as an enriching experience.
  Once your child has adjusted a bit to the new situation, help her see it from a positive perspective (she now has new friends, she has experienced new games, she now knows she can play and have fun on her own, etc.). Even though the losses have to be acknowledged, help her see all the benefits these changes brought. Then use this experience as a model she can use each time she is confronted to a similar situation.
  


• Be patient.
  Some children are more sensitive than others and take more time to adjust to changes. Be patient. Respect her pace and help her adjust by acknowledging her feelings and encourage her to move forward.