Theme	I want to sleep in my bed
	Category	Relationships with oneself (sleep)

Real Life Situation

Why do children sometimes insist on sleeping with their parent instead of sleeping alone in their own bed?

At 4 or 5 years old, a child needs to be autonomous and somehow courageous to sleep alone in her bed. At this age, children believe that monsters or ghosts can suddenly appear during the night. Sleeping alone, far from one’s parents represents a real risk: there are more risks to be “attacked” by these monsters when she’s alone. Sleeping with her parents comforts her as she believes her parents have the power and the strength to fight “the baddies”!

For others, it is more related to emotional security. The child worries that her parent leaves at night or early in the morning to go work before she can see him. She therefore needs to get close to him so she can monitor his every move. This is often the case with children whose parents have work schedules that do not match their children’s (e.g., flexible hours, nightshifts).

Or there are children who worry that someone will come and steal some of their parent’s affection and attention. Some will be jealous of their parent’s partner and will try to be present in their parent’s bed to prevent the partner from sharing pleasant moments with their parent. To some extent, they want to monopolize all of their parent’s attention. They will often ask thousands of questions to their parent about what he and his partner do once they’re in bed.

For a child, sleeping with her parent is very comforting, but if she is not encouraged to sleep alone, she will become overly dependent of her parent. This is the case for children whose parents didn’t want to sleep alone. For instance, a parent without a partner, may feel alone and prefer to have the presence of his child in his bed. In this situation, the child feels she has to respond to her parent’s need and since this also responds to her need for security, she gets into the habit of sleeping with her parent. This habit has consequences for the child; however, the development of her emotional autonomy may be affected.

Whatever they are, sleeping habits get into the child’s life and become a significant part of her sense of security. Getting the child out of her sleeping habit, in an attempt to make her more independent, can be quite difficult. If the child is used to fall asleep with her nose in her mommy’s hair and all of a sudden, she can no longer do it, move to another bed or sleep in a different room, she may complaint of her inability to fall asleep. The child can also feel rejected, unfairly excluded from the parental bed or scared by all “the baddies” that wait for her in her room. She can get angry or cry, tell that she is unable to sleep and insist on getting back into her parent’s bed.

To adjust, the child must create an environment that will help her fall asleep. Some children create an imaginary world that is composed of her plush puppies that she strategically puts on her bed. Others pretend their bed is a feather nest, a flying boat or a little pink cloud. They create an imaginary world that is relaxing and secure; a world where they do no longer need mommy or daddy to sleep.

Tips for Parents

How can you help your child to sleep alone in her bed?

• Explain to your child why it is better for her to sleep in her bed.
  Tell her she is now old enough to sleep in her own bed, that you know she is able to do it. To achieve this, your child needs to feel confident about the change. You may also tell her that you wish to sleep alone and that the only person you want to share your bed with is your partner. However, avoid doing this if your new partner just moved in. If you do so, your child could feel rejected and develop negative feelings toward your new partner.

  For some time, perhaps sleeping with your child prevented you from feeling alone. In this case, training your child to sleep alone will also require efforts from you, but remember this is better for your child’s autonomy. This transition could be done gradually; for instance, your child could sleep in your room but in a different bed.

• Help your child establish good sleeping habits.
  If your child is used to fall asleep next to you or in your bed, gradually train her to sleep alone in her own bed. You may stay next to her to soothe her, but to encourage her to sleep alone, leave the room before she completely falls asleep. If she calls you, always repeat the same ritual: tuck her in, say goodnight and leave the room. Always act the same way and always make your visits to her room a bit shorter. When she calls you, shorten your visits. If you let her fall asleep in your bed, in your arms, or by staying around, she will always look for the same patterns and she will ask for them if she wakes up at night.
  


• Be confident and consistent.
  Trust your child’s ability to fall asleep in her own bed. She will make it if you keep maintaining the same habits. It is normal for your child to resist the changes you want to impose; the first nights may be challenging, she may resist, get angry, refuse to go to bed. If she gets up and joins you, be consistent, take her calmly and softly back to her bed. The next morning, your child may be more tired and cranky (and you too probably), but stick to the new habits. The following nights will be smoother and eventually, you and your child will be both satisfied of the outcome. Try to always maintain the same sleeping environment for your child (e.g., keep the door open, have a nightlight, stuffed animals, a blanket, etc.). Even when your child is sick, avoid sleeping with her because you may re-establish your child’s old sleeping habit.
  


• Reassure your child about her fears.
  Take the time to acknowledge your child’s worries. Comfort her by letting her know that you are there; tell her you are in the kitchen or in the sitting room, that you will soon go to bed and be there when she wakes up tomorrow. Tell her that if she needs you, you will hear her call. If she doesn’t like darkness, let her sleep with a nightlight. If she is afraid of monsters, tell her that monsters don’t exist, that you don’t see them and if you fail to convince her, look into the closet with her and under the bed. In a playful manner, you may also designate a “magic” bear that will keep the monsters away all through the night.
  


• Create tender moments before and after her sleep.
  Spend pleasant time with your child and soothe her before she goes to sleep. Say soft words and hug her; make sure the time you spend with her before she goes to sleep is pleasant; a privileged moment when you can both talk about your day, talk about what you will do tomorrow or tell a story.

  Tender moments in the morning are also important. Letting your child come join you in your bed when she wakes up, makes her feel like she belongs and that even if she can’t come to your bed at night, she can come in the morning to get a kiss or a hug from you in the morning. To protect your privacy, you may teach her to knock on the door and wait for your permission before she gets in.

• Establish a bedtime ritual.
  A bedtime ritual will soothe your child and give her a good night sleep. Maintaining the same bedtime routine night after night (e.g., taking a bath, brushing her teeth, going to bed, being tucked in, putting her stuffed animals around her, etc.) helps her get ready to the idea of going to bed. These routines help your child feel secure and fall asleep.