Theme	Be a messenger between mom and dad
	Category	Relationships with others (parents)

Real Life Situation

Why is it so hard for a child to live with parental conflict?

A child aware of her parents’ conflict, suffers tremendously. Be it by loyalty or attachment, she loves her two parents and the fact that they speak badly or demean each other deeply affects the child. When exposed to a conflict, the child is torn apart and may become anxious if she is confronted to loud voices or aggressive behavior. She may try to put an end to the conflict by asking her parents to stop some of their disturbing behaviors (e.g., “stop yelling, don’t say that to mommy, it’s not nice”). The child may also stick to the parent who’s being blamed by the other parent.

The child may be affected by her parents’ conflicts even though she is not directly exposed to them. This is the case where parents are separated and indirectly engage their child in their conflicts. The child may be invited to express her opinion about something the other parent did (e.g., “Do you think your mother got a good idea?”). She may also be invited to answer questions that can add to the existing conflict (e.g., “Does your father still smoke? Does his girlfriend sleep at home?”) or to act as a messenger (e.g., “could you tell your father that I can’t take you next week?”).

When confronted to these requests, a child may want to please her parent and be inclined to meet them. At 4 or 5 years old, a child can hardly imagine the consequences. She therefore naively responds to them believing she actually helps her parent. The child is then surprised by the negative reaction of her other parent; this also reminds her of the tensions existing between her parents (e.g., “Why does he want that? That doesn’t belong to him… What kind of question is this?”). The child may feel responsible for her parents’ conflicts as the crossfire got triggered by the questions she asked or by the messages she gave.

The more the child meets her parents’ demands, the more she risks to suffer from their consequences. She may even bear the anger and sadness of each of her parents if she feels responsible for their conflicts (e.g., reprimand one of her parents, accuse one to hurt the other, decide to hide the truth to protect one of her parents). Even if the child is unhappy and troubled, refusing to respond to her parents’ requests makes her feel like she abandons her parents or disobeys them. The parent has; therefore, a vital role to play in releasing his child from such a burden otherwise; the child will have no other choice but to avoid handling with her parents’ demands (e.g., “I forgot, I didn’t remember…”).

Tips for Parents

How can you protect your child from conflicts between you and her other parent?

• Avoid badmouthing the other parent.
  Do not blame the other parent in the presence of your child. This would create confusion: from her perspective, your behavior might signal that you want her to be on your side; this would make your child very sad as she may perceive this as an invitation to turn against her other parent. In addition, if you denigrate the other parent, you also denigrate your child as the other parent is your child’s other birth parent.
  


• Be authentic yet protect your child.
  You cannot hide everything to your child. Inevitably, time will come when she will be exposed to your frustration toward your ex-partner or even a conflict. At some other times, your child will ask you questions about the reasons for these conflicts. You may tell your child that you and your ex-partner disagree on something without giving too many details. Reassure her by telling that these conflicts are grown-up problems that will be solved; these conflicts won’t last forever. It is important for your child to feel that you are able to handle the situation properly and that you won’t denigrate her other parent when you talk about him. Your child may even benefit from seeing you handling these conflicts so well. She may believe she will be able to do just the same when confronted to similar situations.
  


• Find solutions to communication problems.
  It is not always easy to communicate harmoniously with one’s ex-partner. Try to see how you could send your message without involving your child. Speak directly to your partner may be difficult. In this case, try his voicemail or write a note. If you are really angry, it might be a good idea to wait a little before sending a message. Make sure your messages are not provocative nor denigrating. For instance, when talking to your ex-partner, you could talk about the needs of your child rather than talk about his parental incompetence: “Charles always complains of being cold at daycare; I therefore put an undershirt in his bag” instead of “In winter, you should dress Charles in an undershirt”.
  


• Talk to a trusted friend.
  Spare some time to talk to a trusted friend or relative about what you’re going through with your ex-partner. If you talk about your emotions to someone who listens to you (and does not add to your anger because of his own anger toward your ex-partner), it may be easier for you to avoid talking about your ex-partner in the presence of your child. Feelings of anger often hide disappointment and sadness. Try to discover the emotions behind your anger. It may be easier for you and your child to handle these emotions than your anger. If despite all of this, you still can’t dissipate your anger and you remain deeply hurt, do not hesitate to seek professional help.
  


• Give your child the right to love you and her other parent as well.
  Regardless of your conflicts or your ex-partner’s behavior toward you, remember that your child loves her two parents just the same. Give your child the right to love her other parent as much as she loves you. Despite all your anger and frustration, let your child see her other parent and show her that you are sincerely glad she gets to spend quality time with him.
  


• Be attentive to your child’s feelings.
  If your child is unhappy because her other parent talks about the conflicts between the two of you, do not talk against your ex-partner’s behavior and try not to show your indignation to your child. Instead, be attentive to her feelings, acknowledge that the situation is difficult and try to find ways that could help her handle the situation better (e.g., you could encourage her to tell her other parent that she doesn’t like to hear about her parents’ conflicts, etc.). Let your child know that she can talk to you whenever she needs it. Your calm and sensitive behavior will soothe her tremendously. She will know that she can talk to you about her feelings without making you angry; she will also have a greater sense of security.